Blueprint for Joy

I got news yesterday that has seriously derailed my plans. I've been pinning all my hopes to this idea that I've had for the last few weeks, and you might think that because it's only been a few weeks, I shouldn't be as distraught as I am. But I've been doing a lot of thinking; reassesing what it is that I want in life, what it is that I want to be doing, what will make me happy, and like I mentioned in an earlier post, I keep thinking about what it was that I wanted when I was little.

Is it crazy to think that you are the most yourself when you are a child? I guess this may not be true for a lot of people, who may have grown up under difficult circumstances, but at a young age, what else can you be but you? There are no pretensions, no need to take on a persona to make it through the day. Your wishes and dreams are undiluted, as wild and impossible as they may be. And I'm still finding, after all these years of relationships, experiences, failures and, well, just, life, that those dreams are still appealing to me.

So, yes, I had figured out the path that was going to drop me off at exactly where I think I want to be, the path that would lead me to this happy life where I would feel (more)free, and now it's blocked. I'm feeling defeated. And trapped.

I know I'm not alone in feeling this way. And I'm not alone in this search for a more fulfilling and happy life. Whether it's the collective unconcious at work, or whether I'm just more attune to these things right now, or whether it's just one more thing we can blame on the recession, I'm finding evidence of other people struggling with the same things.

There's a Happy Days blog on The New York Times about the search for contentment, there's another blog called The Happiness Project about one woman's attempt to live out every tip and theory she could find on how to be happy. And just this morning, Diane Rehm featured Melanie Gideon who wrote a book called The Slippery Year about the process of transformation and rediscovering her passion for life.

So here we are, all trying to find happiness, or contentment, or peace, in our lives. I've read and re-read Tim Kreider's piece because he has put into words what it is that I want right now : happiness, yes, but also experiences, stories to tell. He writes, "Maybe we mistakenly think we want 'happiness,' which we tend to picture in very vague, soft-focus terms, when what we really crave is the harder-edged intensity of experience," and I feel like he almost has it. He's under the impression that happiness is ephemeral, that once you notice it, in the moment, it's gone ... that it's not something that can be enjoyed in the present but a feeling you get only after really living and being entirely absorbed in something. While I appreciate his belief that we must be "fully engaged in the business of living" in order to be happy afterwards, I also think it's possible to capture and enjoy moments of happiness as they happen. And I think that right now, despite having my plan rejected by the powers-that-be, or actually, because of it, I need to recognize moments of happiness.

I immediately thought of naming this endeavour the Happiness Project, since it seems like everyone has a "project" of some sort and it's the perfect sort of word. A project is an accomplishment, definitely, but it's not as strict or exacting as an assignment; there's a sort laziness to the word, a feeling like it's something you'll get around to on the weekends. But, of course, the Happiness Project already exists. So I'm calling it Blueprint to Joy. Because I like the way blueprint sounds on the tongue. And because maybe, as I try to sort out my next move, I can, in the meantime, build a life full of happy memories.